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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25334260">We Met and Became a Memory That Can’t Be Erased</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/theinsanelycooltheatrekid/pseuds/theinsanelycooltheatrekid'>theinsanelycooltheatrekid</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek &amp; Paul/Levenson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Demiromantic Connor Murphy, Dubious Consent, Evan has Anxiety, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Internalized Acephobia, Jared Kleinman Is Bad at Feelings, Jared is Depressed, Jared is asexual, Jared-centric fic, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Slow Burn, jared has adhd</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:08:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,604</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25334260</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/theinsanelycooltheatrekid/pseuds/theinsanelycooltheatrekid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>School. First day of senior year, and Jared was ready. Hell, he was born ready; just let the charisma and confidence shine through, right? </p><p>Only, sometimes the charisma and confidence can’t hide what’s beneath. A deep-rooted fear of not fitting in, an overwhelming sense of loneliness, and, perhaps the hardest to hide, a certain crush on a certain Evan Hansen. </p><p>OR</p><p>Evan ‘falls’ from a tree and winds up in hospital. Jared deals with some shit.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen)/Original Character(s), Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>blame my friends for getting me into kleinsen. hope you enjoy this fic, it's gonna be a looong ride :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Bye, mom!” Jared called, tone bright and chirpy, despite knowing that his mother was probably on some kind of conference call. </p><p>See, today was the first day back at school. And Jared was ready. 100 percent, totally, wide-anticipating-grin ready. Sure, he hadn’t seen much of Evan over summer break and he had not-so-accidentally deleted the few messages he’s received from him a few days ago without reading them, but today was a fresh start; today he’d make Evan laugh. </p><p>Because when Evan laughed his whole face lit up; his eyes sparkled, he looked genuinely happy; he even stopped hunching over for a few seconds, letting himself open up his body, vulnerable and wide. </p><p>The first time Jared had made Evan laugh was with a poorly timed joke during one of their marathon Mario Kart sessions in 7th grade. The second was that time Jared zoned out during their French class, blurting out “Paris!” when asked what the answer was to the question on the board, when the question in question was meant to be answered with his favourite food.</p><p>That was also the time that Evan had been chosen to answer next, and Jared had teased him afterwards about his stutter. The laughter had died from Evan’s eyes as he forced a chuckle, and as Jared walked away, stomach churning with guilt, he vowed he’d do anything to make Evan laugh again.</p><p>And so he did. Over and over, all throughout 7th and 8th and 9th grade, Jared was there to make Evan smile. Even when Evan’s shoulder’s started to droop; even when he stopped joking back like he normally did. </p><p>And then there came 10th grade. When Luke approached him one lunch. Luke Whittington, the jock, the popular one, who happened to be one of the hottest guys in the school.</p><p>“Hey, Kleinman, why don’t you come sit with us?”</p><p>He had blushed, stuttered. Because Luke Whittington knew his <em>name.</em></p><p>And Jared had so readily agreed. Blowing off Evan to go to parties, parties he was far too young for. Ditching Evan to work at “study group” with them. Ignoring all of Evan’s texts, texts he deleted without reading (eventually Evan just stopped texting him) to stay up at all hours of the night working on essays for classes he had never taken.</p><p>Jared wasn’t stupid. They were taking advantage of him. But he had been met with a fair few threats, and besides, who cared if he was staying up till 4 every morning, who cared if he was skipping almost every meal? He was hanging out with the cool kids. He had a table to sit with at lunch. He had a circle. A group.</p><p>A group that just so happened to exclude Evan. After all, you couldn't have a nerdy loser in the most popular clique at school if they weren’t good for something, right? So when Luke had suggested, offhand, that he should “really stop hanging out with such a nervous freak, honestly, Kleinman,” with <em>that</em> tone of voice, Jared had to push him away. He had to.</p><p>It was what he was best at, anyway.</p>
<hr/><p>Jared wavered nervously, clutching at the straps of his backpack. The dreaded hallway, dubbed ‘locker lane’, that tended to become clogged with students so it became a narrow stampeding death pit, loomed ahead of him. </p><p>
  <em>Here goes nothing.</em>
</p><p>He strode over to his locker, shoving his books inside and grinning at nothing in particular. Now he just had to wait for Evan to show up, like he always did. </p><p>Although his locker visits had gotten less frequent and more stunted over the past 2 years.</p><p>Jared’s eyes scanned the corridor, growing more frantic with each growing second. Still no Evan. He meant it this time. He was going to be nicer to him. If Luke saw him, well, fuck Luke.</p><p>Yeah, no. Jared wasn’t ready to cut off ties with that group just yet. Okay, he was terrified. But hell, he could always just feed Luke the car insurance lie; he’d probably buy it. Even if it meant he sounded lame.</p><p>He sounded lame to everyone, anyway.</p><p>Jared shook himself back into focus, taking one more glance around the hall before his stomach sunk to it’s familiar place down in his shoes, settling with a practiced ease. Evan wasn’t here. And there was no point keeping his hopes up because Evan was never late. Which meant he wasn’t gonna turn up at all.</p><p>Fine. </p><p>
  <em>Fine.</em>
</p><p>He would be absolutely fine.</p>
<hr/><p>A few hours later, and finally, the bell. Jared almost sprinted out the classroom before racing to his locker, pulling out his phone and resisting the urge to smack himself in the forehead. His phone. Why hadn’t he checked his phone?!</p><p>
  <strong>from tree boy:</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Still in the hospital. Won’t be at school </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jared? I know you’ve been ignoring my texts and i can see you haven’t read any of them but. In case you deleted all of them I’m in hospital you could visit? If you wanted i don’t want you to visit if you don’t want to</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sorry i rambling you don’t like it when i ramble sorry</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sorry dont worry i don’t know why I asked</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sorry </em>
</p><p>Jared almost dropped his phone, four words ingrained in his head.</p><p>Evan was in hospital.</p>
<hr/><p>Jared stumbled through the main entrance to the hospital, running over to the receptionist desk. “Ev-Evan Hansen?” He panted, out of breath from all the running. The receptionist didn’t look up. “Psych ward. Room 217.”</p><p>Jared nodded a quick thank-you before rushing off towards the psych ward, his brain whirring. What on earth could’ve Evan done that landed him in the psych ward? Only-</p><p>No. No, Jared didn’t let himself think about that possibility, instead willing all of his (somewhat meagre) brainpower to focus on searching for Evan’s ward.</p><p>There it was, on the left. </p><p>Jared didn’t even knock before bursting in; Evan lay in a hospital gown, connected to an IV drip and lying in bed. Facing away. </p><p>“Evan? Evan, are you alright?”</p><p>Silence. </p><p>“Are you asleep?”</p><p>Silence. </p><p>“Ev?” </p><p>Jared’s voice was shaking now. Why wasn’t Evan looking at him? </p><p>“J-J-Jare?”</p><p>Jared brightened up considerably at the nickname, buoyed with the sound of Evan’s voice. He let out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding.“Evan oh my god you’re alive you little motherfu-”</p><p>Evan grimaced weakly up at him. “Too many...too much… blurry-”</p><p>“Uh, Ev? You good?”</p><p>“Jare,” Evan cried, sitting up and grabbing Jared’s arms with a vice like grip. “Jare they took it they took it please god no please no no no you <em>have</em> to get it back please I can’t let them read it Jare plea-”</p><p>Jared was in shock now, frightened beyond belief. “They took what? What?”</p><p>“Please please please I know I know I’m not- I know you don’t like me and I’m not worth it but you have to get it back Jare <em>please</em>,” Evan pleaded, eyes wild and open. “Can’t let them read it can’t let them…” Evan coughed. Jared sprung into action, awkwardly rubbing at Evan’s back, taking his hand with a practised ease.</p><p>“Hey, Ev, breathe. I don’t-” Jared swallowed thickly. “I don’t know what you're talking about right now and I really am sorry for not reading your texts, I was busy…”</p><p>“I know you were busy you’re always busy I just needed you I needed you but just please please get it back Jare please-”</p><p>“Hey. Hey, slow down. Can you tell me what happened?”</p><p>“I, uh, I fell out of a tree? And other stuff, and...yeah?”</p><p>“...Other stuff?” </p><p>It was no use. Evan was slipping into a slumber, evidently under some kind of sedative. “Get it back,” he repeated, one last time, before his eyes slid shut.</p><p>
  <em>What the fuck?</em>
</p><p>Jared walked over to the nearest nurse. “Uh, what happened to him?” He asked, jabbing a finger in Evan’s direction. “Why’s he in the psych ward? He just told me he fell out of a tree.”</p><p>The nurse gave him a horribly sympathetic look, sugary and fake. “He did fall out of a tree, yes. Right after overdosing on his Xanax.”</p><p>“He…”</p><p>No. No no no no no no <em>no</em>. The walls swayed around him and his knees went weak.</p><p>“Yes, honey. He left a letter?”</p><p>A letter. A note.</p><p>A suicide note.</p><p>
  <em>No no no no no no no.</em>
</p><p>“Addressed to this kid called Jared?”</p><p>His knees buckled beneath him, and the last thing he saw was white.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>comments keep me motivated, love y'all!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>oh look, an update :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jared blinked. A face hovered above him, and he was reminded of where he was and why. </p><p>
  <em>Evan. Overdose. Suicide note.</em>
</p><p>‘Addressed to this kid called Jared?’</p><p>He shot to his feet, grabbing the concerned looking nurse by the shoulders and staring at her, wild-eyed. “Where’s the letter?” He demanded. </p><p>“Honey, I’d appreciate it if you could let go of me…”</p><p>”Where’s the goddamn letter?!” Jared repeated, voice cracking.</p><p>“I really don’t think…”</p><p>Jared released her, hands tearing at his own hair. “I’m Jared, God-fucking-dammnit!” </p><p>The nurse produced a folded up sheet of paper from her scrubs, offering it to Jared warily. He exhaled and took it, muttering an apology before letting his feet carry him to the nearest seat. He took a shaky breath before unfolding the paper.</p><p>
  <em>Jared,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m writing this to you because you’re honestly my only friend and I couldn’t write it to my mom.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m sorry that from now on you might be known as the guy who was kind of friends with the guy who offed himself. I know how much you care about your reputation and I know I’ve tainted it way too much and this might taint it even more, but. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m sorry that you had to put up with me  for so long. I won’t lie and say I was blind to just how annoying I was. I know. I knew. And it’s been coming along for awhile but I figured it’d be better for everyone if I just wasn’t here.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I wish I’d never been born. It would’ve been easier that way; you and mom wouldn’t have to go through the whole grieving process before you realise how much better off you’ll be without me, but this is the next best thing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Please don’t blame yourself. Well, I don't know if you would, but it’s what I’d do. And we’re not so different, are we? We never used to be. I missed you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But please, please don’t blame yourself. It’s not you. This is all on me. I’m the problem, and this is a solution. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I know you hate when I apologise, but I am sorry. I really am. Please tell mom I love her and I hope she can move on to bigger and better things without me. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Evan </em>
</p><p>Jared clutched the paper in his hand, shaking. Salt tears dripped their way to the corner of his mouth and he poked his tongue out to catch them, subconsciously.</p><p>Evan had addressed his suicide note to him. To him. Because he was Evan's only friend and Evan just tried to fucking kill himself because he was struggling, he was struggling and he thought he was a burden and <em>goddamnit, how did he not know?</em></p><p>He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, silent tears streaming down his face, before he steeled himself to walk back into Evan’s room.</p><hr/><p>Heidi was in there when Jared returned, and he instinctively shoved Evan’s note into his pocket; Heidi, however, smiled sadly and beckoned him over. </p><p>“I’ll let you have some time alone with him, but after that, you’re giving me the note,” she ordered, eyes misty and yet somehow still steely. Jared nodded before moving to occupy the seat where Heidi had just been sitting. </p><p>Evan was sleeping. His eyes were shut, and he was still. </p><p>Huh. Jared had been to enough sleepovers to know that Evan was never completely still when he slept.</p><p>He bit his lip before reaching over and placing his hand over Evan's small, pale one, dwarfed by the cast on his forearm.</p><p>“Evan,” He started. The boy didn’t move. </p><p>“Evan, I love you." He gasped. "Dammit, Ev, I love you so so much, you know that? You’re- You’re one of the best things in my life and I know it shouldn’t have taken this much for me to tell you but holy fuck. Holy fucking shit, Ev, I don’t think I could survive if you were gone. I know I’ve been horrible, I know and- and- fuck, dude.”</p><p>Jared scrubbed at his eyes with the heel of his hand as Evan slowly opened his eyes. </p><p>“Jare-?”</p><p>“Ev!”</p><p>Jared crawled onto the bed, tucking his body around Evan’s, burying his face in Evan’s neck. Back before Luke, Jared had been extremely clingy, but all that at stopped when Luke came into the picture. </p><p>He crept an arm across Evan’s middle, letting his hand drift to his hip.</p><p>Back before Luke, Evan had loved his clinginess. </p><p>Evan lay stock-still in his arms. </p><p>“Eva-”</p><p>“You don’t have to lie to me, Jared.” </p><p>Evan’s voice was quiet, resigned. Jared blinked into Evan’s neck, his glasses digging uncomfortably into the skin. </p><p>“Please don’t lie to me.”</p><p>Evan sounded so crushed, so small, and Jared mentally kicked himself again because this is my fault, I did this to him. </p><p>He had to be better. He had to be. He was going to stay, and he was going to make Evan laugh everyday for the rest of his life if he could help it.</p><p>But first of all he was going to apologise.</p><p>“Evan. Evan, I’m so sorry. I lied to you I <em>lied</em> I don’t use you for car insurance, I never did! You were, are, my favourite person, you know that? I love you so much, I love everything about you, but I pushed you away because- because I’m not worthy of you, I’m not good enough and you’re so good and kind and perfect and and I wasn’t allowed to hang out with you anyway because- but I missed you, I missed hanging out with you and being your best friend and I just- I just pushed you away because I’m a horrible person and I’m sorry I’m so so sorry Evan I-”</p><p>Jared was gasping, tears running freely down his cheeks, gripping onto Evan as though he’d never let go. Evan stayed quiet. </p><p>“You weren’t...allowed?”</p><p>Shit. Jared hadn’t realised he’d slipped that out. “It doesn’t matter, Ev...just- not now?”</p><p>Evan nodded. He shifted away from Jared’s grip. “Don’t like me being clingy,” he mumbled. “You- You can go now, I know I’m not much f-f-fun to b-be around.” </p><p>
  <em>Oh. </em>
</p><p>That single statement shattered Jared’s heart into a million pieces as he nodded dumbly, already sliding off the bed and walking out of the door without a goodbye. He thought he heard Evan repeat his name weakly as he left, but ignored it. Something he was pretty good at doing, apparently.</p><p>Why would he ever be good enough for someone like Evan? Who was he kidding? He had practically driven the kid to his suicide. It was stupid to think he might be wanted; it would be best for everyone if he just stayed away. Left Evan alone so he didn’t fuck up his life any further. </p><p>It was almost laughable. Like hell Jared was gonna make Evan laugh. Or smile.</p><p>Jared’s presence could only bring bad things. Which meant he wasn’t needed here. Or anywhere.</p><p>It was all too much. He walked home in the rain, trying his best to forget.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>comments and kudos keep me going! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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